Intro (The xx)

Sometimes I hold my hand up to the lamp above my bed until my fingers start to sizzle. I watch my skin crack and burn, unwilling to move, or else I’d ruin the pleasant surprise that awaits me. The color of my skin reminds me of you—since I don’t know how to heal the things you left lodged in me. They’re festering now, turning into remnants of things I once knew how to hold. I’ve lost the plot—and with it, whatever it was you expected me to do.

I act like I don’t care. I act disgusted when you say certain things. I act the way you want me to. But deep down, I’m burying my emotions in a bottomless pit where they’ll never see the light. How could you see the light—and why would you want to? What do you find so interesting inside me that you feel the need to pick me apart like a bug?

My skin is sizzling, and you keep throwing hot water on me. When will you learn to stop? How can I make you stop? How can I become the person you want without you lashing out at me? You’re the fly-swatter and I’m the willing bug on the wall, waiting for the hit. 

My memory is scattered, and I don’t know what’s real or what’s not. You’ve been in my dreams again. You never know when to leave—I can tell. You’re always lingering, creeping into my thoughts like a bad dream that forgets how to end. I wish you could learn how to leave—I wish you could learn to love me the way I love you. I’ll change for you. I’ll shape myself around the things you want.

I just want you to love me. Don’t change—leave your marks in me. I want to be yours, all yours. I want to be yours so badly it hurts.

Inspired by: https://open.spotify.com/track/1wId61v4H3T7Jrt4ociJYS?si=a19e16ae6be642ac